Don't strike out looking.....

by Denise Novaky on 07/18/13

Dear Nick:

The other day somebody asked me how I was able to go back to work so quickly after you left this life for a better one. People ask me how I get out of bed each day with the memory of such a heavy tragedy on my back.

I thought about it and remembered .....  At the scene, I asked Chief Spitzer, "Is my son dead?"  He answered plainly, "yes."  I respect and am grateful for his forthrightness.  I was immediately looking into a horrible abyss.  The abyss of a tragedy and there was a monster staring back at me.  I knew I had a decision to make.

I could become the monster; forever angry that my son was taken from me too early.  I could slip into the abyss, drink wine with the monster, and growl at the fates, or God, or the Grandfather Spirit, or the universe that were so unjust. 

I could fear the monster and forever hide in the shadows; disallowing myself to feel grief.  I could make myself anesthesized to feelings and forget.

If I took those options, this life would pass by untouched by anything I could offer.  I would strike out.....looking.

I would not become the monster.  I would not hide from the monster.  I faced the monster and looked him squarely in the eye. 

I will not become the monster. 

I will not fear the monster. 

I will not allow the monster to destroy me. 

I will grieve, love, & remember you, my son, with joy & sadness. I am joyful that you touched so many lives with happiness; I grieve your memory. I will celebrate your life.

I will use my voice.  I will shine my light.  I will stand. 

I may strike out but the whoosh of my swing will always be heard as I follow through with all my strength.

When my time in this realm is done, I will see you again and we'll discuss our lives over the best feast the heavens can offer.

Bring happiness to us now from the heavens, my son. Watch over us and remember,

I am forever and always your mother and that of your brother, Ben.