Don't wish me happiness
by Denise Novaky on 07/23/13
Dear Nick:
Knowing you as I do, I am fairly certain you want me to live a happy life. Well, after you left this realm for heaven, that request has been difficult to fulfill. However, I did start to think about and investigate things I never considered before the night I lost you, my youngest baby.
I wonder how Mary, the mother of Jesus, coped with the death of her baby. The incarnation of God or not, Jesus was STILL HER BABY. She was still a mother. She had to watch him suffer a crucification that, although it may have been the standard dealth penalty of the day, must have been a horror for her. We celebrate how Jesus is risen; how he walked on Earth for 40 days. He built a church, a movement, that has lasted 2000 years. I understand and depend upon my personal relationship with Him as saviour. However, Mary's grief is not lost on me. The strength and fortitude she must have needed to survive those awful days is beyond my consciousness. How did I never consider that?
How have other people survived the pain I know so well. There is very little, if anything, written about Mary's sorrow and pain. John Walsh started a campaign for children to help quell the sorrow of families. Eric Clapton's lament is whether his boy will know his name in heaven; I totally get that. However, I am fairly certain I will meet up with you in heaven BECAUSE I WILL CHASE YOU DOWN! I am your mother.
Sylvester Stallone lost a child. He said, "When you're scared, when you're hanging on, when life is hurting you, then you're going to see what you're really made of." Well, we know what I'm made of; just ask the press. LOL
Bill Cosby lost his son while the boy was helping someone on a freeway. Bill Cosby said, " Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." I do have moments, many moments of laughter and fun. I do find periods of enjoyment.
I am fulfilled with my work. I love seeing your brother and cousins evolve. I love my friends. I experience fun events. The notion of being happy in my life ended on June 19, 2012, the day our family lost you from living with us on Earth. I feel like I have lost one of my chicks; I feel like I've lost count and one got away from my watch. I feel unsettled. One of my clotch, pride, brood is missing.
When Anne Lindbergh lost her son, she said, " Don't wish me happiness - I don't expect to be happy it's gotten beyond that, somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor - I will need them all."
I miss you, Nick. That simple sentence does not convey the incredible burden or sorrow that fills my heart.
I am forever your mother and that to your brother Ben.
